jokes 29/5

ampr.bbs.humorZur Gruppenliste
Betreff: jokes 29/5
Von: gm3yew@gb7yew
Gruppen: ampr.bbs.humor
Datum: 29. May 2020, 07:13:00
As Grandmother used to say
 Shear your sheep in may and shear them all away


Notable Quotes

I think we are in Rats' Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
-- T.S. Eliot

11.  Dogs come when you call them.  Cats take a message and
get back to you when they are good and ready.
10.  Dogs look much better at the end of a leash.
9.  Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a
contract on your life.
8.  Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats
will quietly sneak out the back door.
7.  Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.
Cats might bring you a dead mouse.
6.  Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take
a three-hour nap.
5.  Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have
their own private box or they will not go at all.
4.  Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home
from work.  Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
3.  Dogs will sit lie down and heel on command. Cats will smirk
and walk away.
2.  Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats
will yawn and close their eyes.
1.  Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make
you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you
were born.
During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs a patrolman
signaled a car to pull over to the curb.
When the driver asked why he had been stopped the officer pointed
to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him and asked"Does your
dog have a license?"
"No" the man said"He doesn't need one."
"ye she does" answered the officer.
"But" said the driver "I always do all the driving."
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog
playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog" the man commented.
"Not so smart" said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good
hand he wags his tail."
 Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside
the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and said'Life is so boring. We
never have any fun any more. For £10 I'd take my clothes
off and streak through that stupid flower show!'
'You're on!' said the other old lady holding up a £10 note.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her
clothes and completely naked streaked as fast as an old
lady can through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside her friend soon heard a huge commotion
inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The smiling and naked Old lady came through the exit door
surrounded by a cheering crowd.
'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.
'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to
offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer
who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1000 for every
inch measured in a straight line between any two points in
his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points
would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured
from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured
at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and
asked to be measured
From the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked
out wit h £96000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer a grizzly old
Chief who when asked where he would like to be measured
Replied'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to
Reconsider explaining about the nice big checks the previous
two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him
providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em'
which  he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on
the tip of the Chief's Weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!'
he suddenly exclaimed'Where are your testicles?'
The old Chief calmly replied' Vietnam'.
A priest a  doctor a rich Businessman and a Scotsman were
waiting one morning  for a particularly slow group of golfers in
front of them.
 The Doctor shouted to them"I've never seen such poor  golf!"
 The Scotsman chimed in"Och aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh 
on fifteen minutes!"
 The Businessman called out"Move it on you guys time is  money."
 The Priest said"Here comes George the green keeper. Let's
have  a word with him."
 "Hello George!" said the Priest"What's wrong with  that annoying
 group ahead of us? They're rather slowaren't they?"
 George the green keeper replied"Ohyes.. That's a group of  blind
 fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire 
last yearso we always let them play for freeanytime they want to."
 The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.
 Then the Priest said"That's so sad. I think I will say a  special prayer
for them tonight."
 The Doctor said"Good idea. I'm going to contact my  ophthalmologist
colleagues and see if there's anything they can do  for them."
 The Businessman replied"I think I'll donate £350000 to  the Fire
Brigade Benevolent Fund in honour of these brave  souls."
  And the Scotsman said"Why kin they no play at night?


Datum Thema#  Autor
29.05. o jokes 29/51gm3yew

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