jokes 23/5

ampr.bbs.humorZur Gruppenliste
Betreff: jokes 23/5
Von: gm3yew@gb7yew
Gruppen: ampr.bbs.humor
Datum: 23. May 2020, 09:19:00
As Grandmother used to say
 All sunshine makes a desert
 
 
--
Notable Quotes


Bridge ahead.  Pay troll.
Anon
------

I got sacked last night from serving in the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders...
 
All I said was, 'Hurry up for heavens sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'
 
---------
Christmas was like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big
fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore.
 

--------
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice
from the kitchen, 'What would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat slob, I was talking to the cat!'
 
---------
Not every flower can say love, but a rose can.
Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can.
Not every vegetable can read but, bless, look at you having a little go!
 
 -------
 
Linda: "What's that you're reading?"
 
Jill: "A diary."
 
Linda: What's in it?
 
Jill: "I can't tell you that. A diary is a highly personal and
Confidential affair, It has important secret dreams and secret
Yearnings. It's private. It's not meant to be shared lightly with
Other people. And besides, this diary belongs to Margaret."
 
 
 
-------
 
 
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly,
her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put
in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.
Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're
going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You
NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry
up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt
them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE
THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world
is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
 
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels
like when I'm driving.'
 

----------------------
Ski Trip
 
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy Bob.  So they loaded up Jack's
mini van and headed north.
 
 
After driving for a few hours they got caught in a terrible blizzard.  So they
pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive
Lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
 
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself
but I'm recently widowed" she explained.  "I'm afraid the neighbour's will talk
if I let you stay in my house."
 
"Don't worry" Jack said.  "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks we'll be gone at first light."  The lady agreed and the two
men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
 
Come morning the weather had cleared and they got on their way.  They
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
 
But about nine months later Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out but he finally determined that it
was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
 
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked "bob do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North
about 9 months ago?"
 
"Yes I do." said Bob.
 
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night go up to the house and pay
her a visit?"
 
"Well um yes" Bob said a little embarrassed about being found out.  "I have
to admit that I did."
 
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
 
Bob's face turned beet red and he said "Yeah look I'm sorry buddy.  I'm afraid
I did.  Why do you ask?"
 
"She just died and left me everything."
 
(And you thought the ending would be different didn't you?)
Now keep that smile for the rest of the day.
 
-----------
 
 
 
Only in Ireland
 
An old man lived alone in Ireland. He
wanted to dig his potato garden, but
it was very hard work.
 
His only son, who would have helped
him, was in prison for bank robbery.
 
The old man wrote a letter to his son
and mentioned his predicament.
 
Shortly, he received this reply,
"For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up
that garden, that's where I buried
the Money!"
 
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen
policemen showed up and dug up the
entire garden, without finding any
money.
 
Confused, the old man wrote another
note to his son telling him what
happened, and asking him what to do
next.
 
His son's reply was:
"Now plant your potatoes, Dad.
It's the best I could do from here."
 
---------
 
 
Q: What sound does a grape make
when an elephant steps on it?
 
A: None.
It just lets out a little wine.
--------

Blood transfusions
 
American Medical Association researchers have found that :-
 
Patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving
chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better. 
 
Just thought you'd like to know...
 
 
 
---------
 
 
Actual writings in Mpumalanga, South Africa Hospital Register
 
1. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
 
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
 
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
 
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only
a 11kgs weight gain in the past three days.
 
5... She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
 
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
 
7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.
 
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
 
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
 
10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
 
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
 
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
 
13. She is numb from her toes down.
 
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
 
15. The skin was moist and dry.
 
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
 
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
 
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
 
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce.
 
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
 
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
 
22. The patient refused autopsy.
 
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
 
24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
 
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

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23.05. o jokes 23/51gm3yew

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