jokes 22/5

ampr.bbs.humorZur Gruppenliste
Betreff: jokes 22/5
Von: gm3yew@gb7yew
Gruppen: ampr.bbs.humor
Datum: 22. May 2020, 08:59:00
 As Grandmother used to say
 If wooly fleeces spread the heavenly way, be sure no rain disturbs the summer day
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Notable Quotes


Perilous to all of us are the devices of an art deeper than we ourselves
possess.
-- Gandalf the Grey [J.R.R. Tolkien, "Lord of the Rings"]

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A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him
that he had to drink warm water one hour before breakfast. At the end
of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better.
The man said that he actually felt worse.
 
"Did you drink warm water an hour before breakfast each day?"
 
"No," replied the man, "All I could do was about 15 minutes!"
 
 
 
 
 
 
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A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The
Material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
Sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your
  Stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be
Disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
1 million germs in our drinking water."
 
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all
Have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that
Causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
 
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,
 
"Wedding cake."
-------------
 
Police in Los Angeles, California had good luck with a robbery suspect
Who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.
 
When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words:
"Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not
What I said!"
 
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Short but sweet..........
                                                                          
A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with   
her husband, and she said, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could  
ever live without you"                                                    
                                                                           
                                                                           
Her husband asked, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"                    
                                                                           
                                                                           
She replied, "It's me...talking to the wine." 
 
 

-----------
 
Who was the first Afghan off the plane?
Amhere!
Who was the second Afghan off the plane?
Amhere Azwel!
Who was the third Afghan off the plane?
Amhere Azwel Azhim!
 
 -----
 

 A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through
the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
 “Dad,” he says, “You won't believe what modern education is
developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog,
Ol’ Blue how to talk!”
 
“That’s amazing,” his Dad says. “How do I get Ol’ Blue in that
programme?”
 
“Just send him down here with $1,000” the young cowboy says. “I’ll
get him in  the course.”
 
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
 
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again
runs out. The boy calls home.
 
“So how’s Ol’ Blue doing son?” his father asks.
 
“Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just wont’
 believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the
animals how to read!”
 
“Read!?” says his father, “No kidding! How do we get Blue in that
program?”
 
“Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.”
 
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end
of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
 
So he shoots the dog.
 
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all
excited.
 
“Where’s Ol’ Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and
talk!”
 
“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ol’ Blue was in the living room, kicked back in
the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal , like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, “So, is your daddy still messing around with that
little redhead who lives down the street?”
 
The father exclaimed, “I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to
your Mother!”
 
“I sure did, Dad!”
 
“That’s my boy!”
 
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as
a Congressman.
 
--------
The Importance of Walking
 
 Walking can add minutes to your life.
 This enables you at 85 years old
 to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
 home at $7000 per month.
 
 My grandpa started walking
 five miles a day when he was 60.
 Now he's 97 years old
 and we don't know where he is.
 
 I like long walks,
 especially when they are taken
 by people who annoy me.
 
 The only reason I would take up walking
 is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
 
 I have to walk early in the morning,
 before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
  
 I joined a health club last year,
 spent about 400 quid.
 Haven't lost a pound.
 Apparently you have to go there.
 
 Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
 I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
 
 The advantage of exercising every day
 is so when you die, they'll say,
 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
 
 If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
 start with a small country.
  
 I know I got a lot of exercise
 the last few years,......
 just getting over the hill.
 
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
  
AND
 
Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

Datum Thema#  Autor
22.05. o jokes 22/51gm3yew

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