jokes 19/5

ampr.bbs.humorZur Gruppenliste
Betreff: jokes 19/5
Von: gm3yew@gb7yew
Gruppen: ampr.bbs.humor
Datum: 19. May 2020, 07:19:00
As Grandmother used to say
 Who doffs his coat on a winter day will gladly put it on in May
---------
 
At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been
canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical
fitness test was still on as planned.
 
One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army
doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely
interested in how fast we can run?"
 

-----------

 
'OLD' IS WHEN...
 Your friends compliment you
 On your new alligator shoes
 And you're barefoot.
 
 
'OLD' IS WHEN...
 A sexy babe catches your fancy
 And your pacemaker opens the garage door,
 
'OLD' IS WHEN...
 Going bra-less
 Pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
 
'OLD' IS WHEN...
 You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
 
'OLD' IS WHEN..
 'Getting a little action'
 Means you don't need to take any fibre today.
 
'OLD' IS WHEN...
 'Getting lucky' means you find your car
 In the parking lot.
 
'OLD' IS WHEN...
 An 'all nighter' means not getting up
 To use the bathroom.
 
AND
 
'OLD' IS WHEN...
 You are not sure these are jokes?
 
 
-------------

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
 
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
 
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
 
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest.
 
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.
 
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety....??
 
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
 
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get
the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
 
AWESOME!!!
 
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.
 
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
 
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
 
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if
I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
wrong?
 
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and tazer in another.
 
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.
 
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible
way!'
 
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...
 
 
 
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...
 
HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!
 
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs!
 
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
 
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second
burst would be considered conservative!
 
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape.
 
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.
 
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my
head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
 
P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift
and now regularly threatens me with it!
 
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
 
-------------
 
 
The Funeral Procession
 

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.
~
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50
feet behind the first one.
~
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
~
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
~
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be
a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'
~
'My wife's.
~
''What happened to her?'
~
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'
~
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
~
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her.'
~
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
~
'Can I borrow the dog?'
~
The man replied, 'Get in line.'

Datum Thema#  Autor
19.05. o jokes 19/51gm3yew

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