jokes 16/5

ampr.bbs.humorZur Gruppenliste
Betreff: jokes 16/5
Von: gm3yew@gb7yew
Gruppen: ampr.bbs.humor
Datum: 16. May 2020, 07:25:00
As Grandmother used to say
 You reap what you sow
 Notable Quotes

Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
-- Mark Twain

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE....... it's all in a point of view !!!!!
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul Afghanistan,
several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily
walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the
women are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do
you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately
to change?'
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, 'Land Mines.'

No matter what language you speak or where you go:
After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady
decided she had been stood up. She changed from her dinner dress into
pyjamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.
No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her door bell rang.
There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours
late - and you're still not ready?"
Except that one where you're naked in church.
Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
In just two days from now tomorrow will be yesterday.
  A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
I may be schizophrenic but at least I have each other.
I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
I have kleptomania but when it gets bad I take something for it.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
There is no "I" in "Team" - but there are four in "Platitude-quoting Idiot".
The Judgement
There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight
with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail.
The next day the man went before the judge.
The judge asked the man, "Where do you work?"
The man said, "Here and there."
The judge asked the man, "What do you do for a living?"
The man said, "This and that."
The judge then said, "Take him away."
The man said, "Wait, judge when will I get out?"
The judge said to the man, "Sooner or later."
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of
the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with
small flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good
morning Alex."
"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor,
what is this?" he asked.
The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women
who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear,
asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?"


 In South Los Angeles , a fire destroyed a
 four story building.
A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the
 first floor, and all  six died in the fire.
An Islamic group of seven Kenyan welfare cheats, all
 illegally in the  country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all
 perished in the  fire.

 Six LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons lived on the
 3rd floor and they  too, died.
 One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple
 survived the fire..

 Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were  furious.
 They flew into  LA  and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief.
On  camera, they  loudly  demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and
 Hispanics all died  in  the fire and only the white couple lived.
The fire chief replied, "They were at  work."

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They
were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when
a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They
searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the
old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him
as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally
the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform
you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled
her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it
was a pearl worth $50,000 . ... please advise.'
The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'
sexual -

    A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a
    glass of champagne.
    The woman perked up and said, 'How about that?  I just ordered a glass
    of champagne, too!'
    'What a coincidence' the farmer said.  'This is a special day for me. I
    am celebrating.'
    'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the
    ''What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
    As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'
    'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my
    gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
    'What a coincidence!' said the man.  'I'm a chicken farmer and for years
    all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised
    'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
    'I used a different cock,' he replied.
    The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence'.
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that
was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the
younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older
alien   said, ' I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he
drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in
 peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't
 want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad'.

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien.. He aimed his weapon at
the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball
roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited
him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked
dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking
his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He
damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can
loop his dick over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.

Datum Thema#  Autor
16.05. o jokes 16/51gm3yew

"News-Portal" auf dem HAM-Web-Servfer DB0ERF.