jokes 28/4

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Betreff: jokes 28/4
Von: gm3yew@gb7yew
Gruppen: ampr.bbs.humor
Datum: 28. Apr 2020, 07:23:00
As Grandmother used to say
 
 South or west wind - the weather will be warm
--------
From a Collection of Pandemic Truisms


People keep asking “Is COVID-19 really that serious?”

    Listen Up …

   Casinos and churches are closed.

    When Heaven and Hell agree on the same thing, it’s probably pretty serious!

----

In  what has been hailed as a miracle, one Waterford teenager has
reportedly survived in his home with no connection to the internet
for almost 6 whole hours.
 
 
 
Answering to the name ‘David Gowan’, the 16-year-old was
found in a distressed state yesterday evening, walking through a
Dungarvan neighbourhood holding his Samsung Galaxy above
his head looking for a signal and muttering incoherently.
 
 
 
The emergency services were notified and David was brought to a
nearby Starbucks and hooked up to their Wi-If immediately. It
remains unclear as to how the teen was left without internet for such
a long period of time, and a search has begun to find David’s parents,
with fears that they may have other kids without even a single bar of
coverage.
 
 
 
“David survived without access to any social media or video sharing
sites for the better part of an afternoon,” said an amazed member of
Waterford’s child protection services.
 
 
 
“No GIFs, no memos, no porn. It’s incredible to see him in such good
condition, considering what he went through. There’s grown adults who
can’t go without internet for that long, let alone teenagers. God love him
like, he didn’t even see the new Star Wars trailer yet”.
 
 
 
David was not available for interview, with rumours circulating that the
poor youngster had lost the ability to speak in anything other than normal
English, having not used emoji’s for so long.
 
Ed - sounds like me !
 

-----
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured
 
 
By an enemy Indian War Party. 
 
The Indian Chief proclaims,"So,  YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ..... 
 
"In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you,  I grant you three requests" 
 
"What is your FIRST request ???' 
 
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."The Chief
nods and Silver is brought Before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear,  and the horse gallops away. 
 
Later that evening,  Silver returns with A beautiful blonde woman on
his back.As the Indian Chief watches, The blonde enters the Lone
Ranger's tent And spends the night. 
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.. 
"You have a very fine and loyal horse","But I will still kill you in two days." 
 
"What is your SECOND request ???" 
 
 
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak To his horse.Silver is brought
to Him, And he again whispers in the horse's ear. 
 
 As before,  Silver takes off and disappears Over the horizon. 
 
Later that evening,  to the Chief's surprise,  Silver again returns,  this time
with a Voluptuous brunette,  more attractive Than the blonde.She
enters the Lone Rangers tent And spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief Is again impressed."You are
indeed a man of many talents,""But I will still kill you tomorrow." 
 
"What is your LAST request ???" 
 
 The Lone Ranger responds, 
 
"I'd like to speak to my horse,  .....  Alone." 
 
 The Chief is curious,   but he agrees, And Silver is brought to The
Lone Ranger's tent. 
 
 
 Once they're alone,  The Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
Looks him square in the eye and says,
 
 Listen Very Carefully !!!!FOR... THE... LAST... TIME... I SAID .... 
      "BRING  POSSE"  
 
 
 
---------------
 
 
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young
layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup
pot and was replaced.
 
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them
to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a
distance which rooster was performing.  Now he could sit on the porch
and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
 

John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this
morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
 
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing
pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming would
run for cover.
 
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it didn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
 
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County
Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
 
The judges not only awarded old Butch the 'No Bell Piece Prize' but they
also awarded him the 'Pullet Surprise' as well.
 
(Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our
planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them
when they weren't paying attention.)
 
Vote carefully at the election, the bells are not always audible.
 
 
------------

Angry Preacher
--------------
A pastor had had a bad week. On Sunday he was very frustrated and he began
his sermon, "Everyone in this parish is going to hell if they don't change
their ways."
 
One man in the back began to laugh.
 
So the pastor said it again louder.
 
The man continued to laugh.
 
The pastor went back to him and asked him why he was laughing.
 
He answered, "Because I don't belong to this parish!"
 
 
 
Why I've Never Had A Caddy
--------------------------
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
 
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
 
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
 
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
 
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
 
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a
distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
 
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
 
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
 
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
 
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
 
 
 
1950's
------
I recently picked up a book called "The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt
Kid" which is roughly an autobiography of the author, Bill Bryson, but is
more specifically a look at what life was like growing up in the midwest in
the 1950s. Following is an excerpt...
 
Most things that were supposed to be fun turned out not to be fun at all.
Model making, for instance. Making models was reputed to be hugely
enjoyable but it was really just a mysterious ordeal that you had to go
through from time to time as part of the boyhood process. The model kits
looked fun. The illustrations on the boxes portrayed beautifully detailed
fighter planes belching red-and- yellow flames from their wing guns and
engaged in lively dogfights. In the background there was always a stricken
Messerschmitt spiraling to earth. You couldn't wait to re-create such
lively scenes in three dimensions.
 
But when you got the kit home and opened the box the contents turned out to
be of a uniform leaden gray or olive green, consisting of perhaps sixty
thousand tiny parts, some no larger than a proton, all attached in some
organic, inseparable way to plastic stalks like swizzle sticks. The tubes
of glue by contrast were the size of large pastry tubes. No matter how
gently you depressed them they would blurp out a pint or so of a clear
viscous goo whose one instinct was to attach it- self to some foreign
object--a human finger; the living room drapes, the fur of a passing
animal-- and become an infinitely long string.
 
Any attempt to break the string resulted in the creation of more strings.
Within moments you would be attached to hundreds of sagging strands, all
connected to something that had nothing to do with model airplanes or World
War II. The only thing the glue wouldn't stick to, interestingly, was a
piece of plastic model; then it just became a slippery lubricant that
allowed any two pieces of model to glide endlessly over each other; never
drying. The upshot was that after about forty minutes of intensive but
troubled endeavour you and your immediate surroundings were covered in a
glistening spider web of glue at the heart of which was a gray fuselage
with one wing on upside down and a pilot accidentally but irremediable
attached by his flying cap to the cockpit ceiling. Happily by this point
you were so high on the glue that you didn't give a shoot about the pilot,
the model, or anything else.
 ==============
 
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
 
1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP
OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE
BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.
 
2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF  WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY
GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE
YOU CHOP.
 
3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE
TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
 
! 4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT
YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING
THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
 
5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK
WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK
TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
 
6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF
LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
 
7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT
TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT
SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT  TAPE.
 
8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO
KNOW THEM.
 
9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN
ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
 
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR
ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN
PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
 
---------------
 
 

 Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and
sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.
When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three
more.
 
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ... your
pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
 
Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de
odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we
promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank
togedder."
 
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
 
Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ...
ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they
are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the
other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
 
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I
don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences
on your great loss."
 
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to
laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me ... I've quit
drinking!"
 
 
 
 

..............................
 
   After getting all   of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he
doesn't travel   lightly), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb. 
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your
seat   so we can leave?   'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never
let me drive when I   was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'   'I'm
sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!   What if
something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never   gone to
work that morning.   'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile. 
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the   wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision because, after exiting the   airport, the
Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph. (Remember,   the Pope is
German.)   'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but
the Pope   keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.   'Oh, dear God,
I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.   The Pope pulls
over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the   cop takes
one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the   radio.   'I need
to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.   The Chief gets on the radio
and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo   going 205 kph.   'So bust him,'
says the Chief.   'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said
the cop.   The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'   'No, I mean really
important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.   The Chief then asked,
'Who do you have there, the mayor?'   Cop: 'Bigger.'   Chief: 'A senator?' 
Cop: 'Bigger.'   Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'  Cop: 'Bigger.'  'Well,' said the
Chief, 'who is it?'   Cop: 'I think it's God!'   The Chief is even more puzzled
and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'   Cop: 'The Pope is His chauffeur!'

Datum Thema#  Autor
28.04. o jokes 28/41gm3yew

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