jokes 25/4

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Betreff: jokes 25/4
Von: gm3yew@gb7yew
Gruppen: ampr.bbs.humor
Datum: 25. Apr 2020, 07:03:00
As Grandmother used to say
 
 Red sky at night shepherds delight
------
 
A Collection of Pandemic Truisms






Until further notice, the days of the week are now called:

   Thisday

   Thatday

   Otherday

   Someday

   Yesterday

   Today

   Nextday



~~~~~


 
It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London ...
 
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they
haven't got tickets.
 
The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks
to the gate.
 
" McTavish , Scotland " he says, "Discus" and in he walks.
 
 The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his
shoulder.
 
" Waddington-Smythe , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.
 
 
The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks
it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."
 
------
 
 
  1.    The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
  2.    The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
  3.    The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
  4.    The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
  5.    The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
        And  ...
  6.    The sport of choice for corporate executives and  officers is GOLF.
 
 
        THE  amazing fact is....  the higher you go in the corporate
structure, the  smaller your balls become.
 
 
        There  must be a boat load of people in Westminster playing marbles.
 
 
 
 
-------

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament"
is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
 
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the  entrance.
 
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.. 'Before you settle in,  it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these
parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
 
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
 
'Well, I'd like to, but I  have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can
choose where to spend eternity.'
 
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,'  says the MP.
 
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
 
And with  that, St. Peter  escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down  to hell. The doors open and he finds himself
in the middle of a green  golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse
and standing in front of it  are all his friends and other politicians
who had worked with  him.
 
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had
while getting rich at the expense of the people.
 
They play a  friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
and  champagne.
 
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy
who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having
such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
 
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises....
 
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven
where St. Peter is waiting for him.
 
'Now it's time  to visit heaven.'
 
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group  of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They
have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have
gone by  and St. Peter returns.
 
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and  another in heaven.
Now choose your eternity.'
 
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would
never have said it  before, I mean heaven has been delightful,
but  I think I would be better off  in hell.'
 
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell.
 
Now the doors of  the elevator open and he's in the middle
of a barren land covered with  waste and garbage.
 
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
 
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his  shoulder.
 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and
caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.. Now
there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
 

What happened?'
 
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were
campaigning... ...
 

Today you voted.'
 
 
 
 
Prostate
--------
"According to a new medical study barbecuing is bad for your prostate.
well I'm glad they got this out in time. I was going to barbecue my
prostate this weekend. I had no idea it's bad for you." -Jay Leno
 
 
 
B52
---
An F-4 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of
himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for
the B-52 crew was"Anything you can do I can do better."
 
Not to be outdone the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the
challenge. The B-52 continued its flight straight and level however.
Perplexed the fighter pilot asked"So? What did you do?"
 
"We just shut down two engines."
 
 
 
All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From The Easter Bunny
-------------------------------------------------------------
Don't put all of your eggs in one basket
 
Walk softly and carry a big carrot
 
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears
 
There's no such thing as too much candy
 
All work and no play can make you a basket case
 
A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention
 
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day
 
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits
 
Some body parts can be floppy
 
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans
 
Good things come in small sugar-coated packages
 
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket
 
An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare
 
To show your true colours you have to come out of your shell
 
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey
 
------------------

The Vanilla Pudding Robbery
 
 
 
 
This is just too funny not to share.  Excerpted from an article which
appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery.
 
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling
the security system got underway immediately.  The robbers, who
expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables,
were surprised to see  hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
 
 
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they
found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
 
 
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At
least we'll have a bit to eat.' The robbers opened up a second safe,
and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.
 
The process continued until all safes were opened.
 
 
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
 
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
 
 
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing
more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
 
The next day the newspaper headline read:
 
 
 
 
'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'...
 
 
------------------
 
 
 
 
 
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
 
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
 
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a
 gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked
 him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off!!  Or I'll kick the #$9@ out of all of you!"
St. Peter was very impressed.  "When did this happen?"
 
 
"Just a couple of minutes ago..."

Datum Thema#  Autor
25.04. o jokes 25/41gm3yew

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